If This Were A Horror Movie, I’d Die First

A while back, in critique group, we got onto the topic of tropes. I’m not sure how we ended up in horror movies since none of us present were horror writers, but there we were comparing the group members to the cast of a horror movie.

We decided unanimously that I’d die first.

It’s not that I’d do something foolish like open a door at the end of a spooky hallway after I separated myself from my friends. No, it’d be something unavoidable and tragic.

Why is that? Remember, we were talking tropes at the time, and I’m:

1) A double minority
2) Happily married
3) The mother of well-rounded kids

It’d probably be just after I show everyone a picture of my smiling family that something would come along and take me out.

What about the rest of my group?

Well M would have been the one to kick off the curse/free the evil/summon the spirits because she’s the youngest. She’s also guaranteed to die because she’s a minority and a lesbian.

Horror movies are often ageist, so K would only get a blip in the movie because he isn’t a hip teen-to-30-something. But it’d also spare his life. He’d be the dad sending the rest of us off to go out into the world, denying the danger we’re all telling him about is real.

J would also only get a quick scene, either the harbinger farmer in the field staring silently at us as we passed, or the gas station attendant who is well aware of the vampires lurking about. But J has a beard, so it’d probably earn him a bigger role than K, but it doesn’t guarantee his survival.

D would be the heroine. She’s white and blonde and right there in age between M and me. She’d live to the end of the movie and probably put an end to whatever threat that killed the rest of us off. Her fiancΓ©, however, wouldn’t make it. They’re getting married later this year! So exciting, but also doom worthy in a horror movie.

Let’s just say I’m glad that isn’t real life. It improves my chances of living to an old age, and trust me, that’s what I aspire to. And just to keep things safe, I’m not going to carry around a picture of my smiling family…

Would you make it to the end of a horror movie? What would get you killed off or excluded from the cast? What are some of the tropes you often see in movies and media?

Loni Townsend

About Loni Townsend

Wife. Mother. Writer. Ninja. Squirrel.

17 thoughts on “If This Were A Horror Movie, I’d Die First

  1. So single guys wouldn’t make it to the end? Glad I’m married.

  2. So single guys wouldn’t make it to the end of the movie? Glad I’m married!

    • I think you’d have to be careful about showing pictures of your family too! But yeah, you might make it to the end. πŸ™‚

  3. Well, I’m glad for you (and most of your group) that you’re not in a horror movie! I, myself, would definitely die early on. The bf and I have agreed that if the zombie apocalypse occurs, in dead in the first wave πŸ™‚

  4. Happily married but no kids. Quarter Danish though, so probably wouldn’t make it. At any rate, i’m very clumsy, so I’d be the one to knock the urn off stand in the mummy’s tomb and release him.

  5. LOL, that is interest. Wonder if that applies to single girls?

  6. Great topic and lots of food for thought. I’d probably make it to the end since I have nothing to lose and everything to gain when looked at from various perspectives.

  7. It’s obvious your group aren’t horror fans. πŸ˜‰ Everyone knows it’s the promiscuous teen girl that dies first. Usually as soon as she takes off her bra.

    The virgin is always the final girl.

    As a married woman with children, you’d be too smart to be in that situation in the first place. BUT if you were, you’d either live or die fighting to protect your children. Could go either way.

  8. I avoid horror movies, so I’m unfamiliar with the tropes. I’d probably be doomed if I even made it in a scene. Probably excluded entirely.

  9. I think I’d make it in the movie for about five minutes. Not because of my death but because I’m close to fifty, average height, average weight, and just too normal. *yawn* My scene would be me yelling at the kids to put on sunscreen and Off and not to jump in the ocean for thirty minutes after they ate…and no that’s not an old wives tale stop calling me old! Then I’d flip them all off as they climbed in the car ignoring me as I gave more unheeded advice. Me in a nutshell. πŸ™‚

    Elsie

  10. I’d probably be one of the 3rd or 4th people to die. I’m not blond, but I’m white enough to survive for a little while in a horror trope.

  11. I’d either be the guy waving you off/sending you all to your deaths OR an early victim as it would be hard to escape in my wheelchair. (Not sure if being disabled makes me a minority or if being a quarter Chilean? Remind me why you’re a double minority, Loni?)

    Of course, in a spy movie, I’d be the evil mastermind in a super-propelled-armored-wheelchair.

    • I’m a Hispanic Asian American. It gives me a fantastic tan all year round. πŸ˜‰

      I like that you’d be the evil mastermind!

  12. LOL. I love this. And so much of what you say is true, including the blonde, straight, white girl being the one to survive. I would die early because at our house, I’m always the one to go investigate the strange sound. My husband would sleep through it all.

  13. I’m not very athletic. I’d probably die in a lame attempt at a plan to fight back. Hopefully, I get eaten by a shark or a dinosaur (not in reality).

  14. Hmm – at my age, f/w/m, I might get a walk on as a scientist or techy person to issue a dire warning that all ignore, to the peril of the universe. I hope I live long enought to say, “see? I told you so.”

    As for you, stay away from red shirts. Those are big sign of character death, and you don’t need any more markers. πŸ™‚

  15. I’m fat and almost 40, so I’d likely be the mystic/old lady/paranormal nut they go consult to tell them what is going on and how to stop it. From there it depends on if I am plucky whether my part ends or I go with them and end up dead. πŸ˜‰

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